


Dumbass no Jutsu!

by bang-the-smoke (708_things)



Category: Naruto
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Crack Fic, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Follows the plot of Naruto, Gay subtext until it's not, Humor, M/M, Not Canon Compliant
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 01:47:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21739483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/708_things/pseuds/bang-the-smoke
Summary: Naruto Uzumaki is different than what you'd expect. He hates the village and doesn't want to be the Hokage.Read this crack fic/Naruto abridged to see how he deals with all the messed up shit in his life.
Relationships: Gaara/Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura/Uchiha Sasuke (unrequited), Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto (unrequited)
Comments: 22
Kudos: 88





	1. Team Seven Sucks

**Author's Note:**

> eventually, this fic will diverge from canon bc just being a retelling of naruto isn't the best. like mentioned, this is a crack fic, so it kinda goes with my humor. also, considering naruto has a lot of filler & extra stuff, a lot of things are not mentioned. unless directly mentioned, you can assume it just went the same as canon. 
> 
> \---  
> cross-posted on wattpad under bang-the-smoke.

It should've been a glorious day. It should've just been reserved for the birth of the Fourth Hokage's son. But some guy in an ugly ass mask just had to show up.

"I don't think we're going to make it out alive," said Minato, wisely. Everyone knows in anime that people in masks are very dangerous.

"I didn't just give birth to die now!" Kushina complained. "Get your dumbass up and fight him!"

Minato was shock. "Why do I have to do it? Why don't you?!"

Kushina glared at him with the intensity of a thousand Rasengan's delivered straight to the chest. "I just birthed your child, or do you want to trade spots?"

Minato gave up. "Okay, damn. Fine."

Before the actual fighting began, the two ninjas began to wonder about the masked douchebag's identity. "I wonder if it could be your student who we thought died but maybe didn't?" Kushina pondered.

"Which student?"

"The gay one."

"...Which one?"

"The dead gay one!"

"Oh, Obito!" Minato paused. "Nah, it can't be him. He was a loser."

"True," said Kushina thoughtfully. The two dropped the subject.

Later, the two realized they were not prepared for this fight. The mask guy was very strong and wasn't responding to Minato's whispered disses. Minato realized to get rid of the situation, he would have to seal the Nine Tails into someone. The victim was his son, but honestly, Naruto's lucky enough he has a dad to begin with.

Minato began the jutsu shit while Kushina talked to their child. Naruto was crying like a little bitch, unaware his father was about to give him a real reason to cry. "Just know, I have no regrets in birthing you and loving you," Kushina wept, overwhelmed.

"I actually have one regret," Minato confessed. "I know I was the one who suggested Naruto, but I really wanted him to be named Minato jr."

Kushina sent him a disgusted look. "Ew." Then, she looked back towards her child. "Please don't be stupid like your father."

Minato honestly couldn't deny that, so the two said their final goodbyes before the deed was done. The two ninjas were dead now, their only legacy being their only son, Naruto, who's got a beast sealed inside him. Welp. Nobody said life was fair.

\---

Years passed by. A lot of them. Like, over ten, but less than fourteen. Just, it's been a while since Minato and Kushina yeeted off the face of the planet.

Naruto had grown up knowing many of the other people in the Leaf village hated his guts. Obviously, he had no clue why. He had nooo clue why. Except, he did later found out that it had to do with something he had no control over: having a powerful beast sealed inside him. How convenient!

But he tried to avoid thinking about that. Today was a great day because he was finally going to be assigned on his ninja team after going through some bullshit to get there. He was so ready to live up his dreams of becoming the top ninja assassin. At first, he had wanted to become the Hokage, but then he was like, why though? Why would he actually want to be the Hokage of a village where everyone hated him?

He was ready to get onto a team so he could start his journey. To be honest, he could care less about his teammates. He'd be highly surprised if he was teamed up with people who didn't hate him.

Iruka, the teacher man, started calling out the assigned teams. Naruto wondered what the critera was, because some of them sounded like garbage. But he didn't care.

"Team 7... Sakura Haruno..."

Naruto paid attention, curious who the poor suckers would be. Being in a team with Sakura would be more tragic than possibly his entire childhood.

"Naruto Uzumaki... and..."

Oh my god, he didn't. Naruto turned to look at the pink haired girl, who was already scowling at him. He scowled back, which made her blink in confusion.

"Sasuke Uchiha."

Wow. Honestly, wow. Of course he had to get the most annoying teammates. Sure, just having one is bad, but just imagining what it'll be like, considering Sakura is thirsty as hell for Sasuke's dick, was hell.

He could hear Sakura screeching happily about how Sasuke's on her team, oblivious to the fact that Sasuke was glaring at her like she was some sort of buffoon. Naruto rolled his eyes.

When he was finally alone with his team, he stayed silent. Sakura was being all obnoxious like always, and Sasuke was just being chill with it even though he was pissed. "Damn, where's our sensei?" Naruto muttered to himself.

"Naruto, don't be rude!" Sakura immediately yelled at him. "Maybe he was like on a mission or something."

Yeah, okay. Naruto crossed his arms.

Their sensei arrived like thirty minutes later, so nonchalant as if he wasn't late. "What's up, fam squad? It's me, your boy Kakashi."

"What to heck?" Sakura questioned. "You're like a million years late and that's what you say!"

Kakashi flipped a page of his book, before closing it. He looked up at his students, disappointed but not surprised. "Okay, listen. Let's talk about our likes, our dislikes, and our dream. Because I care."

Sakura went first. "My likes are..." she glanced at Sasuke and blushed. "And my dislikes are stupid ass hoes who try to get my senpai's attention!" She cleared her throat. "And my dream is to..." she giggled, again looking at Sasuke.

Naruto scoffed. Typical.

Then, it was Sasuke's turn. "The things I like are confidential. I dislike everyone and everything." His voice got deeper as he put on his edgy persona. "And my dream is to kill my brother."

"Okay," said Kakashi, ignoring Naruto's bewildered look. He had known Sasuke was completely out of his mind, but come on! Was he just supposed to forget or ignore what Sasuke just said? Kakashi sent Naruto a pointed look to do his introductions.

"Honestly, I like being a little shit," Naruto said. "I believe it is what my parents would want for me. Not that I would know, haha. I dislike Sakura mainly, but also most of the village's people, but to be fair, they hated me first."

On the subject of his parents, was he just supposed to ignore the fact that he looked so much like the Fourth Hokage? Like, obviously he wasn't going to just assume he's the Fourth's son, but damn. They look so similar that they wouldn't even need a paternity test.

"And what is your dream?" Kakashi questioned, again not actually concerned about their weird answers.

"Oh. My dream is to become the greatest assassin ever, basically," Naruto informed them. Sasuke looked vaguely impressed, but concealed it well.

"Ambitious," Kakashi commented. "Anyway, my name's Kakashi Hatake. Though I'd love to say it's great to meet all of you guys, it's not. I fail almost all of my groups."

"That's not fair!" Sakura whined, confronted with not getting her way for the first time ever. But Naruto has had his fair share of not getting his way, so he held his head high and looked his sensei in the eyes with determination.

"Well, I guess we'll just have to change that."

Kakashi smiled underneath his mask. "I guess so."


	2. Going Sicko Mode

Kakashi ended up not failing the group, because they passed his teamwork test. Boring, but whatever.

During a short period of time, Naruto had gotten to know his teammates more, which was rather unfortunate. His first impressions of them turned out to be correct.

Sakura was annoying and was weak as fuck. Sasuke was strong but had too much of an ego. And he was possibly a homocidial maniac. Anyway, both of them sucked equally.

The missions they had been on were too easy, like rescuing cats. But Naruto had liked that one, because one of the cats scratched Sakura really bad in the face. She was so worried that Sasuke wouldn't fall for her anymore because she looked hideious. As if there were not many other reasons why Sasuke wouldn't fall for her.

That had been fun, but Naruto craved a dangerous mission. He needed to go on them in order to become stronger, and he knew he was ready to go sicko mode.

Luckily, they were finally called into the Hokage's office for a mission that was ranked higher. The Third Hokage explained the mission, which was basically about them escorting some old man back to his village or something. But it was dangerous.

Naruto liked the Third Hokage, but always thought it was strange that he was still in office. Like, the Leaf already had a Fourth Hokage, so after his death, did the Third just go "yeah, I'll take my job back." That's kind of fucked up. They could already have a Fifth one by now, but the Third was like "nah, fam."

Nonetheless, Team 7 started the mission. Tazuna, the man they were escorting, started telling his life story. "Basically, I build bridges, and we want to build a bridge to stop this man, Gato, from being an asshole," he explained.

Kakashi frowned. "Um, why would that stop him? It's literally a bridge, that might make it even more convenient for him."

"Gato has a phobia of bridges," Tazuna added. "When he was a small child, his mother threw him off a bridge and never returned. We kind of hope to trigger some flashbacks or something, I don't know."

"That's kind of fucked up," Naruto commented. The three ninjas and Tazuna stared at him. "What? It is!"

"He deserves it," Tazuna sneered. "He kills people!"

"Let's agree to disagree," Naruto rushed out, trying to stop the conflict before it gets too much.

Eventually, they stopped off at some house Tazuna directed them to. "Wow, this place is small," said Sakura, ungratefully.

"Shut up, Sakura. Not everyone can afford a luxury home," Naruto snapped. He remembered his apartment, which was lowkey trash, but at least he wasn't homeless.

Tazuna introduced them to some people. The woman seemed nice, but the kid was such an edgelord because his dad passed away. Get with the program, honestly. Naruto's never had parents to begin with and he still handles it better than this kid.

Anyway, the kid's all like, "Y'all suck. Y'all ain't gonna do anything."

"Maybe you should've told Tazuna that before he hired us," Naruto said defiantly.

"Whatever," the kid said.

Later, Naruto had seperated from them to be alone. He ended up meeting a nice lady in a dress. She had long black hair and a kind face. "I'm not a lady," said the lady, er, not lady.

"Oh," Naruto replied. "Okay. Well, you seem kind. What's your name? What are you doing here?"

"My name's Haku," replied the man. "And I'm just hanging around, protecting this guy I live for."

"You live for him?"

"He's one of my precious people. Well, my only precious person."

Naruto began thinking about his precious person. How loving they were, how generous. How much he missed them... "Yeah?"

"You'd do anything for them." Haku seemed to look pointedly at the young ninja, as if trying to get something out of him.

"I think I understand it now," he said, nodding. This was exactly how he felt about ramen.

"Okay," said Haku. "We will see each other later on the battlefield."

Ominous.

Soon, Naruto was left alone. He decided to catch up with this team.

\---

Naruto didn't pay much attention to his previous exchange with Haku as the mission continued. Things got more intense as some random assassin guy named Zabuza attempted to kill them. Kakashi quickly took the lead to fight him, while the others covered Tazuna.

"I hope Kakashi sensei can beat him," Sakura worried.

"Hn."

While the others were concerned, if Sasuke could even _be_ concerned, Naruto watched the fight in awe. Zabuza was totally badass.

The fight ended pretty quickly, but Kakashi was concerned he would be back. "He doesn't seem to be a quitter," he justified. "I'm going to train you guys so you can wipe the floor with him if he tries this again."

This is how they ended up learning to climb trees. "This is some bullshit," Naruto sighed. "How will this help?"

"Chakra control, you moron."

Naruto looked up at Sakura, who was at the top of her tree. Surprisingly, Sakura had actually been good at this, while him and Sasuke could barely get a couple feet up before falling.

He turned to face Sasuke, who had once again fell. "Hey," he called out. "Let's make a deal."

"A deal?" Sasuke questioned. He was immediately interested.

"Whoever gets to the top first wins," Naruto explained. "Though, I'm not sure what we get if we win. Have any ideas?"

Sasuke was quiet for a moment. "I'll think of something after I win," he said quietly.

Naruto shook his head, smiling. "It's not going to be that easy, dipshit." But the deal was actually arranged, so while Sasuke repeatedly tried to get to the top, Naruto climbed up the tree to get close to Sakura.

"Yo, Sakura!" he called out. The girl looked down at him, and then climbed down slightly so they'd be able to talk better.

"What is it, loser?"

"Do you have any tips on how to actually do this?" he pleaded.

Sakura began to think about it. "Why should I tell you?"

"Why shouldn't you?"

A pause. "Good point," she conceded. "Okay, so you just focus your Chakra down at your feet and..." She continued on, giving him some advice.

"Thanks, Sakura." Honestly, he was surprised they were acting so civil.

Even with her advice, it was still extremely difficult for him to figure it out. Luckily, Sasuke wasn't really getting it either. Sakura eventually went inside, while the two kept training and training. It was close to dusk when both of them managed to make it to the top.

"No fair," Naruto whined. "We both got there at the same time."

Strangely, Sasuke was disappointed too. "That sucks."

"Oh, well. At least we did it." With that, Naruto started climbing down the tree. "Yo, let's go in. I'm so fucking hungry."

"Mood."

The two went inside the house, panting. "We did it," Naruto announced.

"Okay, and?" Sakura asked. "We ate all your food."

Naruto's inner beast unleashed it's wrath onto them, killing them in a matter of seconds. Just kidding, that kind of stuff only happens in Naruto Shippuden™️. In all actuality, he merely gave them hell verbally.

\---

"What's up, bitches?" Zabuza exclaimed, suddenly appearing in front of the group of ninjas (and Tazuna).

"Why are you here again?" Kakashi sighed, too lazy to whoop ass.

"That midget Gato hired me to kill Tazuna, duh. Aren't you following the plot?"

Next to Zabuza stood another figure, the man Naruto had met earlier. How convenient! "Oh my gosh, it's Haku," said Naruto.

"Oh, hey," said Haku, smiling. Then, he stopped smiling. "Sorry. I forgot we're about to fight."

Zabuza, who was apparently trashtalking Kakashi during this exchange between Naruto and Haku, rambled on, "---and I brought my main man Haku here to distract your students."

Kakashi turned to his students, Naruto and Sasuke. But not Sakura, as we all know by know that her role is operation human shield. Again, her usefulness only arrives in Naruto Shippuden™️, and more like the end of it to be honest. "Okay, guys, I trained you well."

"Um," Sasuke hesitated. "You showed us how to climb trees, like what do we do with that?"

"If you were really my students, you would know!" Kakashi stated, before the fight between him and Zabuza started. Now that there is history between them, the fight was almost comical. Kakashi kept repeating his hand signs and jutsu through his Sharingan, and it was obvious that the other man did not like it. Honestly, Naruto sympathized. Like, imagine working so hard to have your own style of jutsus and some random dude with a Sharingan, who's not even an Uchiha, just copies you.

By the way, why does Kakashi have the Sharigan? I wonder if it's related to the guy who released the Nine Tails or something, that would be crazy.

Haku started fighting the two ninjas. He did this weird thing where he set up ice mirrors, and he would be able to attack them from all directions. "You see, I have a special thing about me. I have---"

"If it's not Sharingan, nobody cares," Sasuke interrupted.

Haku looked upset. "Can I at least talk about my sad backstory?"

"No."

"It all started when I was abandoned by my family because of my special ability. This made me very upset. Then, one day, some random guy came up to me and said he needed help doing bad stuff. And I was like okay."

"It was Zabuza," Naruto said, his gaze averting to the floor. "Your special person..."

"Yes. He gives me purpose. Anyway, it's time to continue the fight."

Both Sasuke and Naruto were getting beat the fuck up. When Naruto was about to be hit with a particularly nasty blow, Sasuke saved him by taking the hit.

Naruto gasped. Why would Sasuke do this for him?

Sasuke started coughing up blood. It was pretty intense. "You baka! Why would you do this?" Naruto sobbed, crying a little. But only a little.

"I don't really..." Sasuke coughed. Naruto held him in his arms and could physically feel him getting weaker. "Do you remember when we kissed at the Academy?"

"Sasuke," Naruto frowned. "That didn't happen in this canon."

"Oh." Sasuke kept coughing and coughing. "Loser."

"Dumbo."

"Bitch," Sasuke wheezed, and then he went limp. Naruto felt a rage like no other build up inside him.

Haku taunted him. "Is this the first time your comrade has died in front of you? Well, guess what. I saw Naruto Shippuden™️, you need to get used to it."

Naruto felt himself activate sicko mode, the seal that kept the Nine Tails at bay breaking. "RAWR!" he roared. "I'M GONNA KILL YOU! XD."

And so he did. Not really, he kind of pussied out at the last minute. Haku begged him to finish him off, but Naruto didn't because he didn't want him to feel happy. But he still died even though it was not by Naruto's hands.

Kakashi had basically defeated Zabuza, who was like "bro I don't care about Haku."

"That's mad messed up," said Naruto. He proceeded to use Talk no Jutsu in order to make the man feel bad about himself. A really handful ability, really.

"You right."

Suddenly, Gato walked up there with his cane. "Ooh, a peasant." He kicked Haku's now dead body (because he's dead now, oops.") Zabuza was so mad about it that he activated his own type of sicko mode and killed like hundreds of Gato's men, and Gato, of course.

"Well, it looks like this is a mission accomplished," Tazuna stated, watching the murders take place.

"...You're really not going to do anything?" Sakura questioned.

"Nope."

Even though Naruto was fully convinced Sasuke died earlier, he didn't. What a plot twist. So Sasuke woke up, and Sakura was all over that like hugging him and stuff.

Before Team 7 could embark on the trip back to the Leaf Village, Tazuna ran over. "Wait, guys, gals, and nonbinary pals!" he called out.

They turned to face him. "Would you mind if we named it the Naruto bridge?" he asked.

"Naruto™️ is copyrighted," said Naruto. "Name it like, anti Gato bridge or something."

"That sounds great."

And that concluded the end of Team 7's first crazy ass mission.


	3. The Forest of Yeet

Some time after that whole mess with Tazuna, Zabuza, and Haku, Kakashi suddenly announced that he was nominating them for the Chunin exams. "I have no doubt that all of you will pass," he said.

Naruto didn't want to bring up the elephant in the room. "Uh, yeah. ALL of us will pass."

"Yeah," replied Sakura, catching onto what he meant. "I mean, we know how to climb trees. What else do you really need to know?"

Kakashi made a tsk sound. "Actually," he drawled out. "It's enough for you two plebs, but I will be training Sasuke in the art of Sharingan Bullshit."

"As an actual Uchiha, I detest that," Sasuke complained. "How did you even get yours anyway?"

In order to fight off the incoming PTSD episode, Kakashi hurriedly said, "I don't know, I woke up with it one day!" He realized that didn't make sense, but Team 7 was full of idiots anyway.

Sasuke shrugged it off, and the two left, with Naruto and Sakura feeling betrayed. "So, he's not going to help us at all?" Sakura stammered.

"No," Naruto replied. "It's bullshit. Let's just go find some people, maybe some sensei who will actually train us."

The two ninjas walked away saltily. Naruto didn't really have much of a plan, but he did know he needed some help with training. They were just chilling like villains when they suddenly encountered some ninjas they had never met before.

"What's up, fam?" One of the ninjas asked. He looked kind of similar to that one ninja who likes dogs, but not really. He had some nice, gucci facepaint on his face. Naruto looked up at his headband and recognized the marking. He was a sand ninja.

Naruto honestly loved people from other villages. They don't know anything about him, so they don't automatically judge him for being the host of the Nine Tails. He perked up, responding cheerfully, "Not much, my guy."

Sakura remained silent as Naruto and the other ninja communicated. "This shit's wild," she muttered.

"I agree."

She turned to see a female sand ninja standing next to her. She had sandy blonde hair, which is definitely not an allusion to the Village she's from. "I'm Temari," she said, introducing herself. "The face-paint guy is Kankuro, and the redhead who's silently stalking them is Gaara."

Damn, she didn't even notice Gaara. Then again, he was silent, just staring at Naruto and Kankuro's exchange.

"Are you guys gonna hurry up?" Gaara suddenly questioned, and Kankuro immediately frowned.

"Yo, my guy. Chill," Kankuro replied. "Just because you got the One Tail doesn't mean you have to be so moody."

One tail, eh?

"Oh?" Naruto smirked, turning his head to look at Gaara. "Heh. What a coincidence. What's your name?"

Gaara didn't even blink and informed him, somewhat confused.

"We're going to be best friends," said Naruto. "I'm just like you, except not as edgy."

Gaara was about to monolouge about how that was impossible, and how edgy he was, but Naruto quickly unzipped his jacket and lifted up his shirt enough to show off the seal on his stomach. "Nice to meet you, One," he said. "It's me, Nine."

"Oh, shit," gasped Kankuro.

Sakura was like, what does that mean? Not because she was too stupid, but because she needed to not understand for the sake of the plot. Temari didn't respond to this shocking turn of events because she didn't care, but she digresses.

Naruto and Gaara didn't converse much more after that, but a bond had formed. It was more powerful than Kakashi's PTSD episodes, more powerful than the author's ability to break the fourth wall. It was more powerful than going Sicko mode.

You get the point.

\---

The first part of the Chunin Exams was some dumbass written test, which was great because Naruto and Sakura didn't get any training done. Many of the top ninjas they tried to solicit (or harrass), weren't having it. The bad part was, Naruto didn't like written tests.

Many thought it was due to his lack of knowledge, but it was really because he just thought they were plain annoying. He'd always wanted to learn jutsus and do physical stuff, not learn from books and write down applications and junk. It was dumb.

The test was hard, and he flunked. But that didn't matter, because the test wasn't about whether or not you can pass it. Convenient!

"The next part of the test will be super hard," the examiner warned.

"Doubtful," Sasuke snorted.

The second part of the Chunin Exams was actually harder though. Some purple haired lady named Anko explained that they were to go into the Forest of Yeet and rob some other ninjas scrolls GTA style.

"Are we going to die in there?" Sakura whimpered, frightened.

Anko turned to her, smirking. "They call it the Forest of Yeet, and soon enough, you'll find out why."

Then, it actually began. Team Seven quickly made their way through the forest, and were eventually confronted by the man Kabuto. Kabuto was one of the random sound ninjas that was also applying for Chunin, but Naruto thought something was up. Kabuto vaguely looked like he was in his twenties, and he wasn't about to call him out on that, but it was a bit creepy how much he hung around the teenagers there. Ah, well.

"What do you want?" Sakura asked the older ninja. She tried to look threatening, considering this was technically a competition between the teams.

"Oh, nothing," Kabuto grinned. "I just want to take a look at Sasuke there, it has nothing to do with some nefarious plan plotted by my master, I mean uh, leader. Oops, no homo."

Naruto couldn't believe it. Didn't he know that as long as he wore his headband, nothing was gay? That was a common rule in the Leaf Village, and was often the reason that many of the ninjas were inclined to some homosexual behaviors. It just showed how foreign the man was.

"Who's your leader?" Sasuke questioned him, intrigued.

Kabuto looked conflicted, like he wasn't sure if it was the right time to give up that information. Woah, it's almost like this brings up a subplot. "Just follow me," he said. Sasuke hesitantly did, but Naruto made sure Sakura stayed behind.

"What do you think they're doing?" Sakura asked.

"I don't know," Naruto replied. "But all I know is, I'm glad that they're both wearing headbands."

About three minutes later, Sasuke came back with a funky looking mark on his neck. Naruto dismissed it as homosexual behavior, while Sakura was concerned. She kept quiet as the team went through the forest more and stole scrolls. They finally got the two they needed and made their way to the tower.

"Wow, that was really easy," said Sakura. "It's almost as if the author forgot most of the stuff that actually happens during this part of the anime."

Naruto glared at her. "It's called canon divergence for a reason, idiot."

Many teams were actually eliminated during this part of the Chunin Exams. Some ninjas also died, but that's neither here nor there. Anko congratulated the remaining ninjas and informed them about some general info about the next phase of the exam.

There were really two parts to the last phase, but it was quite simple to Naruto, really. He just has to fight some people. It's time to go sicko mode.

But now it was time for filler, because even Naruto fanfiction can't avoid it.

\---

Naruto went out to a training field, feeling angry he has to train by himself. The only person willing to train him was a dickhead, so he just got out of there faster than Itachi after he murdered his clan.

"What can I even do to train?" Naruto grumbled to himself. "It's not like I'm learning anything new." He sighed and performed the Shadow Clone jutsu, three other Naruto's appearing beside him. "Do you guys just want to play cards or something?"

The other three Narutos agreed and they started playing Uno. Somehow, Naruto 2 was really good at the game while the others sucked ass. "You're cheating!" The third Naruto exclaimed.

"I hope I'm not interrupting something."

The original Naruto was so startled by the new presence that he accidentally released the jutsu, the clones disappearing into the air. Naruto turned to acknowledge the newcomer, pretending that he didn't see what was going on. "Oh, Gaara. I didn't see you there."

Gaara stared at him for a moment, then said, "Can I play with you for a bit?"

That was how Naruto later found himself at twenty three cards while Gaara had a measly six. "So, what'd you actually come here for?" Naruto questioned.

"Well," Gaara began, "I was about to go off on another murder spree, but then I decided that I should find you. There are things I would like to discuss with you."

"Such as?" Naruto raised an eyebrow.

"Do you ever feel like completely abandoning your village?" When Naruto didn't immediately respond, he added, "I mean, if you've had even close to the experience I've had, I'd assume you would."

Naruto glanced back at his twenty three cards, momentarily pondering if there was a way he could come back from this. He dropped his cards to the ground and said, "You've caught my interest. Go on."

And after that conversation, well, Naruto was pretty sure shit was going down soon.


	4. Fighting to the Death

"It is now time for the preliminary round," the ninja explained. "The winners of this round will proceed to do basically the exact same thing again but in front of the whole village as added pressure."

"What a drag," said Shikamaru, sighing to himself. Naruto agreed with that statement on a spiritual level.

Sasuke nudged him from beside him. "Hey, I want to fight you, loser," he said. 

Naruto let out a heavy sigh. "Can you just express your feelings in a different way? This is annoying."

Sasuke turned bright red. "What feelings?" he panicked. "I don't have feelings, I'm an edgelord. B-Baka!"

After that, Naruto tuned Sasgay out. Except that didn't last long, because the first match was between Sasuke and one of the sound ninjas. "Aren't you going to wish me luck?" Sasuke asked.

Naruto stared blankly at him. "I don't really think that would help anyway. You're pretty capable."

"You're right," said Sasuke, "I _am_ pretty."

Well, okay then?

Sasuke jumped down, alongside the ninja he was fighting. The sound ninja got beat the fuck up, with Sasuke doing this barrage attack near the end of the fight. Yo, you could make a religion out of this. Better yet, you could just steal the move and pretend it was yours.

Local bug man Shino fought against a sound ninja. But this match is kind of irrelevant, as Shino is probably nobody's favorite character. Underrated, really.

The next fight is between Kankuro and again, another sound ninja. Woah, what a coincidence. Naruto was somewhat interested in this match. He believed Kankuro to be quite strong, so this could be fun to watch.

"Hey, Sakura," he suddenly spoke up. "Do you think there are ninjas who use puppets... differently?"

Sakura glanced at him. "Yeah," she said. "Some jutsus... have multiple purposes." She blushed lightly.

"I wonder what that would be like," Naruto pondered aloud. "I mean, I guess I use some of mine for multiple purposes..."

He was referring to his sexy jutsu. Let's just say, many ninjas in Konoha were very familiar with that jutsu. To an uncomfortable degree.

Kankuro beat the other ninja the fuck up. "Damn, imagine having to fight right after that," Sakura whistled. "That would suck."

..."Sakura Haruno and Ino Yamanaka!"

Sakura scowled. "For fucks sake."

Naruto patted her shoulder reassuringly. "You got this, Sakura."

She smiled lightly. "Thanks." She then went down to the ring.

"You think Sakura can win this?" Lee asked, biting his lip in concern.

"No," Naruto replied. "How the hell is she supposed to beat someone who could control her mind? Like, how the fuck does anyone beat that?"

"You should be more optimistic about your teammate," Lee said, scolding him. He was frowning. "That's not very youthful of you."

"Neither is losing to your rival, but go off," Naruto retorted. Lee got fucking roasted, even though it was more towards Sakura. How was he supposed to know Lee and Neji had a rivalry going on? He barely remembered rivalries he's involved in.

Surprisingly, Sakura didn't do half bad. They were evenly matched, until Ino caught Sakura in her mind control bullshit. "Sakura, no!" he yelled. He gripped the railing roughly."What would Bob Ross do?!"

Sakura thought to herself. What would he do? What would he even think in this situation? Bob Ross' voice came to her: _Remember, there are no mistakes. Just happy accidents._

This wasn't a mistake. Just an accident, one she could get herself out of. Sakura then began to concentrate really hard and then beat the devil, or Ino, out of her head. And it.... it worked?

"Holy shit," Naruto gasped. "I should be a motivational speaker."

Lee clapped his shoulder roughly. "Nice going, my friend. That was indeed youthful."

Although it had been impressive that Sakura broke out of the mind control, not much else happened. Both ninjas became tired and couldn't continue, both at the same time. It was a tie.

Naruto and Lee clapped for her, and as she returned, she smiled tiredly at them. "Thanks, guys," she said. "Naruto, how'd you know I loved Bob Ross?"

Naruto scratched his neck sheepishly. "You used to wear that T-shirt with him on it back at the Academy. I figured you liked him, so..."

She smiled.

Oh, damn. Is Naruto actually good with the ladies?

The next match was Temari vs TenTen. Probably the worst matchup. Who would win, one kunai or a fan that propels wind?

Definitely the fan.

After that was Shikamaru's match against a sound ninja. Despite his laziness, he actually did well and won. Well, isn't that inspiring? At this point, Naruto was getting excited and was ready to fight. What a coincidence, his match was next.

He was up against Kiba, the dude who had a dog with him. "Good luck," Lee said, smiling. Sakura, beside him, said about the same thing.

From across the way, Naruto met Gaara's eyes. Gaara looked intrigued. Alright, bet.

Naruto jumped down and faced Kiba. "You're going down," Kiba sneered.

"Kiba," Naruto paused. "Would you be a dear and spell ICUP for me?"

Kiba looked confused. "I-C-U-P." His face dropped, and he glared at Naruto. "Yo, what the fuck. That's not true!"

Naruto raised his hands up nonchalantly. "You said it, not me."

Kiba growled and attacked him. Very easy to anger, then.

Though it sounded kind of stupid, Naruto liked to assess his opponents like this. Sometimes, people are scarier when they are pissed off, but sometimes, they get careless.

And that's what Naruto used to his advantage. That and his really large amount of Chakra. At the end, Naruto took him out with his Uzumaki barrage, that he totally didn't steal from Sasuke. Oh well, Sasuke wouldn't care. In fact, Sasuke would probably be glad.

Naruto cheered himself on as he made his way back up to his previous place. Kiba, who was collapsed on the floor just a moment ago, shakily got up and slowly made his way back to his own place. "How does he have so much energy left?" he wondered.

Hinata smiled to herself. "He's really strong. And never gives up."

"Of course you'd say that," Kiba sighed, shaking his head. "You want his dick."

Hinata didn't deny it, but watched anxiously as her name popped up on the screen alongside her cousin, Neji. She gasped.

"So, what's the deal with these two?" Naruto questioned, as the fight began. It was obvious Neji had the advantage, and he was more referring to their special eyes.

"Oh, that's the Byakugan," Lee informed, bitterly. "It's basically just another one of those cases where certain clans have special stuff."

"Like the Sharigan?"

"Kind of," Lee admitted. "Just not as cool, because people always prefer the Uchiha's over the Hyuga's."

"That's tough."

Meanwhile, Hinata was trying to find her inner strength. It was true she was weaker than Neji, but she liked to believe she could at least surprise him. Maybe show she's not useless after all, because her cousin does kind of treat her like shit.

Even when she felt defeated, she kept fighting. That was her nindo, her ninja way. Sounds kind of stupid, to be honest. That just means she'll take a worse beating.

"Get it, Neji!" TenTen cheered, apparently not deterred by the fact he was beating the fuck out of his own cousin. Maybe she was just happy that there wasn't a Sweet Home Alabama situation.

Naruto didn't care much about Hinata. She seemed shy and quiet, so he didn't dislike her, but he didn't really like her either. Regardless, this was really sad to watch. If he had any family members alive, he surely wouldn't relish over beating them up, like Neji seemed to.

"Beat his ass, Hinata!" Naruto yelled. She looked at him for a moment, blushing. Kiba joined in along with Naruto, and the two filled her with strength.

She still ended up losing against Neji, but at least he didn't look unbothered. He was tired, for one thing, and he panted like he was lost for breath. "Useless," he wheezed, criticizing her.

"Fuck you," Hinata scowled.

The next match was announced to be Lee vs Gaara. Naruto wasn't sure who to root for. He was buddies with Lee, but at the same time, he had plotted world domination with Gaara. You don't plot world domination with just anyone.

Additionally, he was pretty worried about this matchup. If anyone had the chance to hurt Gaara, it would be Lee. And if that happens, who knows how Gaara will react?

The match begins with Lee desperately trying to get through Gaara's sand and attack. He used up a lot of his strength to do so, even taking off his leg weights to be fast enough to cuck him out. Honestly, the best visual comparison would be fighting against a level 9 Sonic CPU on Smash Ultimate.

He got some hits in. Gaara freaked the fuck out at the sight of his own blood.

Naruto had a feeling what this would mean. He urgently got into a conversation with Kankuro. "Yo, how do you prevent him from going sicko mode?" he asked.

"Sicko mode?" Kankuro questioned, his voice panicked. "Lee would be lucky to get that far!"

"We normally just let it happen," Temari informed. "He doesn't accept our help."

Naruto frowned. If the two of them were going to take over the world together, they needed to be able to cooperate.

Gaara's sand began to gather up and approach Lee. He knew he didn't have much time. "Gaara, you little shit! You know this ain't it!" he practically screams.

He hopes it's enough.

Gaara seems to calm down. Though his sand is still approaching Lee, he doesn't seem to have murderous intent anymore. "How did you do that?" Kankuro asked, baffled.

"It's my special technique," Naruto explained. "It's Talk no Jutsu. Generally, I'm not screaming, but it works that way too. I just basically tell people they aren't shit and they listen."

Kankuro nodded intently as Naruto kept explaining.

Lee lost the match. He seemed kind of upset as he came back up to face Naruto. "I bet Sasuke could've done better, with his Sharingan and all," Lee sighed.

"Lee, my man," Naruto began confidently, "Just shut up. You did so well against him, even though he's really tough." He then added, "Also, Sasuke's a pussy."

Lee thought about it for a second. "You're not wrong," he spoke up.

The final match was between Choji and a sound ninja. At this point, Naruto basically clocked out. He was still shocked he got Gaara out of his murderous funk.

Shortly after, the match was declared over and the Proctor began announcing that in about a month's time, they would have the next round.

Naruto knew his work wasn't cut out for him yet. 


	5. Training Gone Wrong (IN THE HOOD)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OOh a training chapter!  
> And wooh, Sakura and Ino become friends again? Amazing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one could classify this as filler but i personally liked the part with sakura so ye. next chapter will continue with the chunnin exams.  
> also tysm to the people commenting, just seeing people say they love this really inspires me to continue with this dumb story. :)

"Suddenly, I want to train you," said Jiraiya. This was pretty cool, as for some reason, Jiraiya was actually a pretty famous ninja. He had the status of being one of the three Legendary Sannin. 

"Oh, why?" Naruto questioned.

"I don't know," Jiraiya shrugged. "By the way, you were named after one of the characters in my books. Your father was a fan."

Naruto crinkled his nose in disgust. Jiraiya had already shown his true colors as a pervert before, so he assumed a book written by him would be sexual in nature. "Ew," he whined. "I'm totally kinkshaming my dad right now."

"Dude, that's uncalled for!" Jiraiya exclaimed, with a look of hurt on his face. "We are allowed to express our kinks openly. That's like the first rule of Konoha!"

"Well, guess what?" Naruto smirked, ready to freak him out. "My kink's kinkshaming."

"You really are your mother's son," Jiraiya muttered.

Jiraiya decided that the two needed a change of scenery for the training session. "What are you even going to teach me?"

"The Summoning Jutsu," Jiraiya stated, before providing a brief explanation. "My fursona is a toad, so that's the animal I summon. Since you are my pupil, you will also summon toads."

"Are there any other options?" Naruto pleaded.

"Only a snake or a slug," Jiraiya shrugged. "Both of them are creepy, so I'd pick the toad if I were you."

Naruto held back his disgust and gave the man his full attention.

=====

"Alright, you little shit, it's time that I teach you more than the others once again," Kakashi announced. Sasuke was very pleased with this, considering his plans for vengeance. He didn't acknowledge his privilege, as he was indeed taking up all of their sensei's attention. He didn't even question Kakashi's unexpected interest. Privileged Uchiha things, am I right?

"Okay," Sasuke said, and Kakashi began teaching him about the Chidori. He first showed him a demonstration. "Yo, what the fuck?"

"This technique was made by an incredibly handsome genius." Kakashi then paused before adding, "Me. But remember, great power comes with great responsibility."

"It ain't that serious, my guy. Who do you think you are, Spider-Man?"

Regardless of whether or not Kakashi was comparable to Spider-Man, it was true Sasuke needed to be careful with this jutsu. He could totally kill someone with the Chidori, and that would just be terrible, wouldn't it? Worst thing ever.

Sasuke paid attention to his sensei, thinking about finally murdering his brother. This jutsu would be enough to do it, wouldn't it?

"I used to beat the shit out of a lot of people with this," Kakashi spoke, apparently going for an inspiring speech. "Honestly, it was kind of concerning. Promise me you won't use this on any teammates."

"Of course I won't," Sasuke said, crossing his fingers behind his back. "What do you take me for, some kind of maniac?"

Kakashi stared at him blankly. "Are you kidding me?"

"Have I ever lied to you, Kakashi sensei?"

And while the answer might have been no, it certainly wouldn't stay that way.

=====

Even though Sakura had not advanced to the next round, the young ninja wanted to continue training. She felt completely embarrassed that she couldn't beat Ino, of all people. Ino, to her, was her greatest rival, in not only her love life and also her ninja life. 

Once upon a time, the two had been friends. Ino had protected her, had made her feel stronger than she ever actually was. There was a time she had felt a great debt to her, but all of that was before Sasuke. Both of them had fallen in love with him, and it had pitted them against each other.

If she couldn't prove herself as strong as her teammates on Team Seven, she should be able to prove herself against Ino. A tie was better than losing to her, but it didn't show that she was any different than she was back then. 

Sakura knew that was still in need of a competent sensei. Kakashi sensei was still abandoning her and Naruto, but Naruto had apparently found someone who could help him. It was time for Sakura to make a difference in her life.

She found one jounin who seemed interested in training her. The older ninja sympathized with her feelings of inferiority. "What are your strengths? Are you proficient in a specific jutsu?"

"Uh," Sakura fell silent as she recalled her experiences as a ninja. 

"It's okay if you don't know," the jounin smiled at her. "I'll figure it out, regardless, but I like to know what my students think of themselves."

"To be honest, I'm kind of a useless bitch," Sakura admitted, with a sigh. "I guess I'm kind of decent with Chakra control?"

"That's good," she said. "'Many ninjas struggle with that. There's no need to be so harsh on yourself for your shortcomings."

"I see," Sakura replied. The two began to train together, first with a simple sparring match so the jounin could get a better idea on how to help her. Individual attention seemed to work a lot better with her, as it seemed Naruto and Sasuke always seemed to get more from Kakashi sensei.

After the training session, she didn't feel as horrible about herself. On the way home, she stopped by the flower shop owned by Ino's family. At first, she felt like she was going to gloat to her, tell her that she was going to end up way stronger and earn Sasuke's favor. But there was a moment where she watched Ino attend to a customer, and something about it made her heart hurt.

"Hey, Sakura," Ino greeted, once the other customer was on her way out of the store. "What are you here for?"

"You," Sakura immediately responded, and the look of confusion in Ino's eyes hurt. She couldn't believe that their friendship was this terrible, that Ino couldn't imagine why she would want to see her. "Okay, listen. I need to talk to you about something."

"Go ahead," Ino replied, her voice soft. It seemed like she could tell this was serious.

"Sasuke's kind of... a little bitch, isn't he?" Sakura paused, collecting her thoughts. "I mean, I do like him and all, but I don't want our friendship to just be nonexistent because we both like him."

"I'm touched that you would say that," Ino smiled. "I agree. It's really lame that we let him get into us like that."

"Right?" Sakura laughed to herself. "Like, bruh? Have you seen his emo hair?"

"He looks like he was personally victimized by My Chemical Romance's breakup!" Ino cackled. The two proceeded to make more jokes at Sasuke's expense, as you do. It was nice being able to hang out with her again like this. 

"Hey, I've got to get going," Sakura told her. "I'll... talk to you tomorrow?"

"Yeah." Ino was grinning again. "I'd like that."

Sakura was so glad she managed to save her friendship. Sasuke was not worth losing friends over. 


	6. The Audacity of These Hoes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final part of the Chunin Exams begins. Naruto battles Neji, Shikamaru battles Temari, and the battle between Sasuke and Gaara starts. But there's more than just fighting involved. The plan is just beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, everyone. i'm sorry for the hiatus with this fic, but i do plan to continue. like i've probably mentioned, this story is very canon-divergent, and this will be apparent in the next few chapters. let me know what you think in the comments! happy quarantine.

It was finally time for the last part of the Chunin exams. Naruto was excited to get it over with, as the anticipation had been building up the last few days. 

Naruto's match is up first, against Neji Hyuga. He wasn't really looking forward to this match, as he remembered Neji's savagery. The other ninja had no qualms about fighting a family member until they were barely standing. Additionally, he had to admit that Neji seemed like a strong individual, and that meant a lot coming from Naruto.

"Prepare to lose, idiot," Neji smirked. "Everyone knows that I'm like the best."

"Oh, shut up," Naruto shot back, rolling his eyes. "Nobody gives a fuck about you or your dumbass Byakugan."

Neji scoffed. "Yeah, okay. You won't be saying that after this is over." He held back his anger at the other ninja's audacity. Naruto was lucky he had such self-control.

The match began with Neji taunting him to make the first move. Predictably, Naruto used the shadow clone jutsu. No matter how he utilized his jutsu's or his weapons, Neji seemed to avoid being heavily damaged. His damn eyes, though definitely less impressive than the Sharingan, were annoying.

"Is that all you got?" Neji sneered. Naruto was left panting, exhausted after using so much chakra. At this point, Naruto was wounded, more so than the other ninja. Then, due to his tiredness, he couldn't avoid being hit by Neji, who proceeded to block his chakra points. "I got you now, bitch."

In the background, TenTen was being annoying by talking to others around her about how Neji had already won the match. As if.

"Is that what you think?" Naruto chuckled, cutting himself off by coughing. "I think you forgot one important thing."  
  
"How could I forget anything? I have the biggest brain!"

"I'm the main protagonist, and I will not lose to some idiot who thinks he's the shit when he's not!" At that moment, Naruto brought his hands together, as if to form a hand sign. Neji couldn't believe this.

"What are you doing?!"

It took a lot of concentration. Gathering the chakra of the Nine Tail Fox wasn't something that he did often, but Jiraiya had given him some tips on how to access it. It was time to go sicko mode!

Orange chakra began to swarm around him. This changed the tides of the fight. "What the fuck is going on?" Everybody but Naruto asked themselves.

In the end, Neji got punked so hard. He almost felt bad for him, but the ninja had the nerve to try to do a monologue about his victory. "You suck, my guy," he told him. "I'm sorry, but it's the truth."

Neji looked like he was going through a midlife crisis, as if the defeat changed everything in his entire life. Naruto didn't really care how he was affected; he just wanted to rest now. 

He proceeded to go up into the stands, others cheering him on. "You did great, Naruto!" Sakura smiled.

"Thanks," Naruto replied. "Sasuke's match is next, right?"

The smile on Sakura's face faded. "Um... Naruto, he hasn't shown up yet. Do you think he's okay?" It was clear to him that she was really worried, so he held back his urge to be snarky. 

To be honest, he didn't notice that Sasuke wasn't here. It seemed strange to think about, considering he was so used to Sasuke being in the front of his thoughts. "I'm sure he's fine," he replied. "He's strong."

Sakura nodded. "Yeah, he is..."

It was supposed to be Sasuke's match against Gaara next, but Sasuke hadn't shown up. Due to it being a highly anticipated match, this was apparently fine. Naruto rolled his eyes. Sasuke didn't even have to be around to annoy him. Though, he had to admit, he was also anticipating the match.

While Sasuke wasn't weak, Gaara just had strength that he didn't. And the plan was in the first stage, with the match being like the prologue of their epic story. See, Gaara had informed him about the treacherous plan the Sand and the Sound were collaborating on, and this situation was going to allow them to slip by, to fade in the background.

The next match was Shikamaru against Temari. "LET'S GET IT!" Naruto cheered. The ninja was always supportive of Shikamaru, mainly because Shikamaru thought it was annoying. Even now, Naruto could see him sigh and try to ignore his words. But Naruto's cheering had caused other's joining in, to the point where the stadium was echoing back encouraging words.

"YO, GET THAT BREAD, BRO!"

"SHE ABOUT TO GET FUCKED UP BY THEM SHADOWS!"

Temari had her own supporters as well, mainly hailing from the Sand village and the occasional Sound Village ninja. "BEAT HIS ASS, SIS!"

Temari took this in stride, smirking. The match begun, and Naruto had to admit it was a little anti-climactic. Their fight was more of a mind game, a game of cat and mouse. While the two were exhausted, there was barely any blood shed.

Shikamaru had finally caught her in his trap, his shadow having caught her. The prior ninja that was anticipating this was quaking in his ninja sandals. Everyone watched with bated breath.

But then Shikamaru said, "Yeah, this is over now. I give up." He then proceeded to release the jutsu.

Nobody could believe it, having thought this was an easy victory for Shikamaru. The proctor concluded that Temari was the winner, but she didn't seem very pleased with this. Her jaw had dropped when her opponent quit. "W-What? Why would you do that?"

Shikamaru turned to face her, frowning. "It sure did take a lot of my chakra to do all of that. Besides, it was a waste of time."

"A waste of time," Temari repeated, then scowled. "There's no way you believe that!"

Shikamaru threw his arms around the back of his head, getting into a casual pose. "Nobody really cared about our match. Tell your brother I'm rooting for him."

"You are?" she quietly asked, watching as he began to retreat into the stands.

"Of course," Shikamaru answered. "Bruh, nobody likes Sasuke. Like, even Sakura's getting tired of his ass."

She realized this was true, but she reflected on the match as both headed back to the stands. He sure was an interesting ninja. Intelligent, but had a lot of audacity. But it's not like they would meet each other again, she thought.

Meanwhile, Naruto wasn't shocked by the results of the match. While he had rooted for Shikamaru to win, he knew it was very likely the lazy ninja would give up. Nonetheless, he sought him out and patted him on the back. "You did great."

"I thought you'd be disappointed," Shikamaru admitted.

Naruto shrugged. "People never change," he said, and smiled. In his case, it was good, but Naruto wished most people could turn a new leaf.

Sasuke's dumbass was still late, and he showed up at basically the last minute. He had a whole new outfit and everything. 

"He's back," Sakura said, standing next to Naruto. Her voice was monotone, as if she didn't really give a fuck.

"Isn't that a good thing?" he questioned.

"I worried for him," she admitted. "That doesn't mean I missed him, though."

Maybe she had changed. Naruto smiled at the thought, and he cracked a joke at Sasuke's expense. Sakura laughed along.

Gone were the days she would blindly admire him. She finally realized he wasn't shit.

Both Sasuke and Gaara were in the middle, staring each other down with determination. "And, begin!" The proctor called.

And everyone would soon find out things weren't as they seemed. 


	7. The Guide to Going Rogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasuke and Gaara's match continues, and the Leaf Village is ambushed by the Sand and Sound villages. Naruto and Gaara act on their plan, leaving the others to speculate what's happened to them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> canon divergenceee! apologies if this chapter was less funny than normal. since the plot is shifting, i felt like i had a lot to explain lmfao.

Everyone was watching Sasuke and Gaara's match with rapt attention. They had no idea who was actually the stronger shinobi; Sasuke may have the Sharingan, but Gaara has a thirst for blood that really evens it up. Also, he's a Jinchuuruki, so that definitely helps.

Sasuke started attacking Gaara with a swiftness that was identical to Lee's during the previous round of the Chunnin Exams. "This is what we spent so much time on," Kakashi said. "He copied Lee's techniques and speed."

"So he's a copy-cat like you," Might Guy commented. "I guess that makes sense."

Meanwhile, Lee was fuming. "Who does he think he is?!"

"It's only logical," Sakura reasoned. "You did pretty well against Gaara, so your techniques, coupled with the Sharingan, could help him win."

"Sakura, this is not about logic," Naruto reminded her. He pointed at the match in front of them. "This is an abomination. You know all these hoes from the other villages don't know he just stole this shit from Lee."

Lee had come to a similar conclusion, nodding his head in agreement. "He's a trick ass bitch."

They continued watching the match. Sasuke managed to get some hits in, and again, the sight of his own blood seemed to intimidate Gaara. Gaara began to talk to himself, sounding like a lunatic. However, Gaara's siblings knew different.

"No," Temari whispered in horror. "He wouldn't... This isn't part of the plan."

Kankuro was worried too, and reached a quick decision. Him and Temari made their way over to Naruto. "You need to talk him down," Kankuro said. "He listened to you last time!"

But he knew there was no need for that. Technically, Gaara going sicko mode in this match wasn't planned, but it sure would help. Also, a mischievous part of him wanted to see what would happen; could Sasuke handle him? "No," he said, "I don't think I will."

Temari opened her mouth, as if to speak, when she noticed something that made her falter. There was a certain look in Naruto's eyes that reminded her so much of Gaara. Perhaps the two were similar. With this in mind, Temari began to accept the fact that Gaara was going to go off, but she worried how it would effect the plan.

The match continued, but in the middle of it, somebody used genjutsu to put everyone to sleep. Naruto pretended to fall for it, even though he knew it was coming. He was woken up by Sakura, and the two were eventually tasked with going after Sasuke, who had went after Gaara. Shikamaru went with them, as well as Kakashi's dog. It was a little crazy that this was going so well.

"I can't believe what's happening back in the arena," Sakura said, as they chased after Sasuke. "I never would've thought that the Sand and Sound ninjas would attack the Leaf."

However, Naruto disagreed, and not even just because he had been tipped off. "Alliances are made to be broken," he shrugged. "It's a shame, of course, but peace never lasts long."

Shikamaru sent him a suspicious look, and he did nothing to reassure him. He knew that he didn't have a lot of time with them left, so he might as well give up the facade. At least a little. 

It takes them ages to catch up with Sasuke and Gaara, and they walked into Sasuke being knocked into a tree. "SASUKE!" Sakura screeched. It was just her and Naruto now.

Gaara quickly pins Sakura to a tree with his sand arm, and it ends up knocking her unconscious. Sasuke had collapsed too, leaving just him and Naruto. "So, are you able to snap out of it yourself?" he questioned. "We don't have much time."

Even though Gaara was partially consumed by the beast within him, he did have sense in him. He shook his head, so Naruto reasoned that he'd have to beat him up a little. It was only meant to exhaust him, but there was a risk that completely depleting him of his chakra would let Sakura go. Also, they were unsure how long the other ninjas would be unconscious. 

A combination of punches to the head and Talk No Jutsu got Gaara back into a normal state. "Hey, buddy," Naruto grinned. "You ready to go?"

Sakura was now on the branch of a tree, after the sand had disappeared. Not that he really gave a fuck, but you know, details. It's all about the submersion, and also so the author can remember what the hell is going on even though she's been writing this entire fic by reading the episode descriptions instead of re-watching the series. It's real dedication, when you think about it. 

"I thought it would be a little bit more difficult," Gaara said. "Like, in theory, this probably shouldn't work."

"Come on," he replied, waving his thought away with a wave. "Ninjas abandon their villages all the time! All we had to do was pick a good moment to disappear, and here it is! The Leaf's going to be in shambles, and the relations between the villages will be terrible."

Naruto never thought it was difficult to leave. Somehow, Sasuke's older brother had managed to kill the entirety of his clan and leave the village. Like, if he could pull that off, then him and Gaara could easily just walk out the gates and never return. He just didn't realize that there would be a good way to do until Gaara and him had settled on their plans.

See, the two's upbringing was similarly tragic, and they wanted to get revenge on their villages. But both knew that their current abilities and strengths would not be able to accomplish that, and they found it hard to believe that they could grow strong enough to do it while living in their villages.

"True," Gaara said. "Let's just get going before the idiots wake up. Sasuke's annoying as fuck to fight."

"He just thinks he's more important than he really is," Naruto explained, rolling his eyes. "He needs a slice of humble pie the size of the Empire State Building."

"What's the Empire State Building?"

"I don't know. I think it's just part of some quote that the author is trying to link together even though the context can be hard to explain to the reader if they don't understand."

"Right," Gaara replied. Then, the two decided to just ditch the scene. The two didn't exactly know where they wanted to go yet, but they knew that they'd find a way to accomplish their goals. 

Hopefully they won't have to join a criminal organization to do it. Or a weirdo like Orochimaru, but I digress.

\---

Sasuke was the first one to wake up. He remembered seeing Sakura and Naruto joining them before he was knocked unconscious, so he looked around the area. Sakura was unconscious as well, but he couldn't find Naruto. Or Gaara.

He felt panicked. _Where is that idiot?!_

He went over to Sakura and shook her awake. "Wake up, bitch!"

But she did not wake up. Was she dead!? Was Naruto dead?! Was this another massacre he had somehow survived? Many questions went through his mind, but the most prominent one was: _Why the hell couldn't I beat Gaara? He's not a main character!_

Sasuke began to think about what he would do next, believing that his teammates were dead. He had plans to abandon them anyway and join Orochimaru, but he didn't like the fact that they died before he could get the chance to do it. It was so unfair!

"Sasuke!"

Oh, so she isn't dead. What a shame.

"Sakura," he said. "I can't find Naruto or Gaara."

Sakura's face fell. She bit her lip, wondering if she should open up about her speculations. "Naruto's been acting strange lately..."

She explained why she believed that, and Sasuke was pretty convinced. "Well, we're going to have to tell Kakashi that he's gone missing, as well as Gaara."

Neither of them knew what happened, and the two could only speculate. 


End file.
